Love

I've never dated anyone, like...ever. I'm not even sure if I've felt love before. How is that supposed to feel?

I have found people attractive, and most times it just remains one-sided, but because I want it to be that way. When I just watch this person from afar, my mind can just wander around the possibilities. I can make my own fairytale of how that person is, and getting close to them would mean breaking the fantasy and getting a real person with actual flaws, breaking the ilussion apart. 

I like liking people and the vague idea that they might like me back, but when that possibility grews closer to a truth, I get scared and walk away. It feels like this should not even happen. I'm scared of opening up, and letting others notice my many scars. Showing that I'm not a very good person, I can be childish, make lots and lots of mistakes, and I have so many layers that I haven't even discover myself.

How am I expected to open myself to others when I'm scared of what's inside me?

Not only that, but men are so stupid sometimes. They are boring, tell jokes with ulterior (gross) motives, can make you feel dumb, and don't even care about getting to know you really. They just like the pictures of yourself showing your body and face in good angles with a trendy song in the background and bold filters. What about asking about my favorite books, or what type of music I'm listening instead of just assuming based on what you see? 

It sounds like I know what I want, but not really. I don't know how to put myself out there when I'm not sure what I even want for myself. That and the fact that I don't really like how I physically look. It's awful. I've been approached before by men despite my looks, but it feels fake. How could anyone like me when it's hard for me to look in the mirror?

I don't want to end this on a sour note so, I think I would like to meet a woman for once. I came out as bi to my dad not too long ago. Most of my friends knew, but him not knowing stopped me from doing anything to meet women. Now that he is aware and supports me, maybe I can try that? The one and only crush I've had on a girl ended up on nothing (she was super nice to me but has a boyfriend), and while is very easy for me to find men attractive in any way (which is depressing lol), I find myself having a hard time falling for a woman. Is like I have these implicit parameters for them that I don't even know about, even when I believe all woman are stunning. 

Sometimes I truly believe I was not born to be loved romantically, and maybe that's okay!! I enjoy my own company and doing things my way, without worrying of how I might affect others (putting my friends aside obvs), so yeah, I hope this new year brings new experiences or just enlightment and acceptance.

XOXO 

Saturday Plans

 My dad asked me if I was ready to go eat out, but honestly...I hate eating at restaurants. I feel observed while I eat. 

Not sure if I was making myself a favor or not but I offered to cook today, and asked him to go to the supermarket and buy ingredients to make pasta. There is like, literally no food at this house. I'm staying here till the end of February so I better start organizing so I don't starve midway lol. 

Ángel started working at a café that just opened today. He mentioned the interview and then that he got the job. I asked on the groupchat at what time does he start, with the intentions of visiting, but a friend proposed that before I could form the thought. Idk if it's jealousy or what, but this particular friend does that sometimes. She takes a spotlight is not even hers. I still care about her though, but still. 

Now I'm not sure if I even want to go anymore. Probably not, or maybe tomorrow. I think he works only on the weekends. 

On another note, I am reading The Poppy War. I'm almost at the middle of it and I love it! It's taking a very long time because I usually read slow for dramatism and say the dialogues outloud. I got three more (physical) books for christmas this year. Jane Austen, Stephen King and Isabel Allende. 

Not sure if I will have the time to read them all thoughout the summer, but we will see. 

My dad is about to arrive. I better put the kettle on. 

XOXO

A Lost Friend

 I am already 22 years old, and soon to finish college. Surprinsingly, I am still very good friends with the people I met at school and spent most of my childhood and teens with. 

Noah is the one that comes to mind first. We technically met when we started first grade, but we grew closer probably three years later. The memories of that time are somehow blurry, probably because I was bullied for many years and my bran is just trying to erase some of that. 

Ángel (or Tem as I like to call him) is also one of my closest friends. I actually met him before starting primary school, on a birthday party both our parents attented for a common friend. He actually hit me lol. We also started a friendship at 4th grade or something.

Noah was the first one to come out as transgender, during school. I don´t remember what my reaction was, but I have supported him since day one. Ángel came out later, and now he prefers he/him pronouns, but not necessarily sees himlsef as a man. 

All of this was confusing at the start, but I love them a lot.

At school we used to be a group of 5 people, including Ángel and Noah. I will not mention their names because I don't see a point in doing so. I sorta grew apart from the other two. Partly because we didn't have anything that kept us together anymore (like I don't think I could have a one-on-one conversation with them without being awkward) and partly because of political beliefs. I know...

There is one of those two though, that actually hurt me, a lot. We were friends until like...last year? I truly loved her, as a sister. She saw parts of me no one else had. We eventually shared the same pain of losing a parent to a disease. But she didn't care about all that. 

She was a bad friend at the end. She stabbed me in the back, never acknowledged what she did and she never apologized. She knows what she did was wrong, and I had to find out some pieces of truth from other people and not from her own fricking mouth. 

I probably sound angry, which I am. But more than angry, I am sad. Sad that I lost a very close friend because of a crusty ass man. And not only that, but politics? That was the last straw. How could you believe that thousands of deaths of innocent people under a tyrant's "government" is okay? Why would you want to go back to when people couldn't even go out of their houses without the worry of not coming back? Police brutality on a daily basis?

It is still weird to me. My family suffered during those times, and having a close friend that has seen pain with her own eyes throughout her live, be okay with that is...i don't know.

On the bright side. even though I lost friends, I gained something else. I now know for sure that the people around me stayed because they care about me and we are on the same page on what matters. 

I know she will never read this, but if she was...very deep inside, I still want (and think I deserve) and apology. I will move on and grow up, and I hope wholeheartedly that you too grow and learn from your mistakes. I will do so too. Thanks for those 8 years of friendship, and nothing more. 

XOXO

New Beginnings

 Well...it's already January 2nd, and I thought of having a digital place to write just about 10 minutes ago, thanks to a video. I usually pour my thoughts on paper, but since it takes a long time, I will talk about longer stuff here. 

I know this will probably remain something for my eyes only, but it would be the polite thing to introduce myself. 

I'm Yennifer, but a lot of people (mostly friends) call me just Yenn. I'm about to embark on my last year of college to be an English teacher! Since this is not my first language (and even though I actively work on it as my future work field), I will probably make some mistakes. 

I will not have a controlled schedule to post, nor an elected list of specific things I will talk about. I will just...write whatever I want, whenever I want. 

My goal is to find in this blog a space to put my thoughts in order. manage to survive my last year as a college student, and avoid going back to my depression meds lol

XOXO