Love

I've never dated anyone, like...ever. I'm not even sure if I've felt love before. How is that supposed to feel?

I have found people attractive, and most times it just remains one-sided, but because I want it to be that way. When I just watch this person from afar, my mind can just wander around the possibilities. I can make my own fairytale of how that person is, and getting close to them would mean breaking the fantasy and getting a real person with actual flaws, breaking the ilussion apart. 

I like liking people and the vague idea that they might like me back, but when that possibility grews closer to a truth, I get scared and walk away. It feels like this should not even happen. I'm scared of opening up, and letting others notice my many scars. Showing that I'm not a very good person, I can be childish, make lots and lots of mistakes, and I have so many layers that I haven't even discover myself.

How am I expected to open myself to others when I'm scared of what's inside me?

Not only that, but men are so stupid sometimes. They are boring, tell jokes with ulterior (gross) motives, can make you feel dumb, and don't even care about getting to know you really. They just like the pictures of yourself showing your body and face in good angles with a trendy song in the background and bold filters. What about asking about my favorite books, or what type of music I'm listening instead of just assuming based on what you see? 

It sounds like I know what I want, but not really. I don't know how to put myself out there when I'm not sure what I even want for myself. That and the fact that I don't really like how I physically look. It's awful. I've been approached before by men despite my looks, but it feels fake. How could anyone like me when it's hard for me to look in the mirror?

I don't want to end this on a sour note so, I think I would like to meet a woman for once. I came out as bi to my dad not too long ago. Most of my friends knew, but him not knowing stopped me from doing anything to meet women. Now that he is aware and supports me, maybe I can try that? The one and only crush I've had on a girl ended up on nothing (she was super nice to me but has a boyfriend), and while is very easy for me to find men attractive in any way (which is depressing lol), I find myself having a hard time falling for a woman. Is like I have these implicit parameters for them that I don't even know about, even when I believe all woman are stunning. 

Sometimes I truly believe I was not born to be loved romantically, and maybe that's okay!! I enjoy my own company and doing things my way, without worrying of how I might affect others (putting my friends aside obvs), so yeah, I hope this new year brings new experiences or just enlightment and acceptance.

XOXO